When Addiction Looks Like Abuse: Why Intent Doesn’t Cancel Out Impact

When you’re in a relationship with someone struggling with addiction, you may find yourself in a confusing and painful tug of war. One moment they’re apologizing, promising change, and showing remorse and the next, they're lying, blaming, or exploding with anger.

You may ask yourself, “Is this the addiction or are they abusive?”. And maybe even more painfully, “Does it matter?”.

Here's the truth that many partners need to hear:

Behaviors rooted in addiction may not always be intentionally abusive but when they result in fear, confusion, and control, or emotional harm they are abusive in nature and must be taken seriously.

Why This Distinction Matters – To A Point

Understanding why someone does what they do can be helpful. It may ease self-blame or explain some of the chaos. Addiction often leads people to lie, manipulate, or become emotionally unavailable, not always because they are cruel or controlling, but because their brain is in survival mode. They may gaslight to avoid shame. They may break promises because the craving overtakes their resolve. They may lash out because withdrawal fuels volatility.

But here's the bottom line: intent does not erase impact.

When someone lies, explodes in rage, withholds affection, gaslights you, or puts your physical or emotional safety at risk you still get hurt. Whether it came from their addiction or their abusive tendencies, your nervous system still gets dysregulated. You still feel unsafe. You still live in fear, walk on eggshells, and question your reality. This is why you must take these behaviors seriously, regardless of the cause.

Common Behaviors That May Seem “Addiction-Driven” But Are Still Harmful

·       Gaslighting or denying events

·       Blaming you for their relapse

·       Neglecting your emotional needs

·       Stealing money or lying about finances

·       Becoming emotionally volatile or threatening

·       Cheating or sexually acting out

·       Cutting you off from friends or family

·       Love bombing after episodes of harm

Whether these are rooted in shame, craving, trauma or narcissism – they are still abusive in nature. Knowing the root cause and the motive isn’t as important as knowing how these behaviors make you feel and what you want to do about it.

What You Can Do As The Partner

1.       Name the Behavior for What It Is

Call a lie a lie. Call rage, rage. You don’t have to diagnose your partner or figure out if they “meant” to hurt you. If it hurt you, it matters. Your reality and experience is valid.

2.       Set Clear, Protective Boundaries

Boundaries are not punishments. They are limits to protect your emotional, physical, and psychological well-being. Example: “If you talk disrespectfully to me, I will leave the room and not continue the conversation.”

3.       Seek Outside Support

Living with an addict and/or abusive partner distorts your sense of what's normal. You need outside eyes… trusted friends, a therapist, a support group… to help you untangle what's yours and what's not.

4.       Stop Making Their Healing Your Responsibility

You can love them. You can support healthy choices. But you cannot do their recovery for them. You are not their accountability partner or therapist. That’s a burden you were never meant to carry.

5.       Consider a Therapeutic Separation if Needed

If the relationship is unsafe or exhausting your emotional reserves, a therapeutic separation can give both parties space to focus on healing. It’s not about giving up; it’s about creating enough distance to see clearer and decide wisely.

Being with someone who struggles with addiction is hard. Being with someone who hurts you, whether due to addiction or not, is even harder. You deserve to live in safety, clarity and peace.

Don’t wait for their healing to start your own.

I developed 2 tools that could be of help in this area, please find out more here ...

PATH™ Patterns of Abuse & Toxic Harm

TRUST Index ™ Tracking Recovery Using Sobriety & Transparency

If you find yourself stuck, unsure or afraid, please reach out to a trauma-informed therapist who understands both addiction and abuse. You are not alone, and you don’t have to carry this confusion forever. If you are in the Mississippi area, please reach out to me 601-5732165 or liza@lizayoungcounseling.com.